Yes, I know...

I know that I should go to sleep. And I will..as soon as I complete this post.
I know that I have been writing a lot. I would say sorry, but I am not forcing anyone to read my posts, and for me this is good therapy, and it is free. Plus, instead of rolling around in bed thinking or staying awake reading, I just write it out, lie down and pass out.

My shift is over. I have a break until motzei Shabbat. Then I go "back..back back back again" :-)
What I can I say, I love kids! They are the most amazing everything. Yea they scream and they fight and they try to run away and they tire you out...but then when you put them to bed at night and they dont want you to go, and they say "thank you" and "I love you" and "are you coming back tomorrow" and "I'm gonna miss you", you forget about the tiredness and everything else and you just smile and feel unimaginable joy. And even if these moments do not always happen, it is o.k.
In the end of the day, when everyone is safe asleep in their beds....aaaaaahhhhhh. What more could you ask for? Everyday is a struggle, and kids are there everyday. There are no breaks in parenthood. But these children are your legacy. They are a part of you and you are a part of them. You are the vehicle through which their neshamot will make tikkun, through which we will come closer to Moshiach. It is awesome!!!

Oh and about the "dream boy" post. It is o.k. I know that Tati will send me exactly the person I need to complete me, to restore my neshama back to wholeness, the person who will help me achieve my tikkun ba olam haze. And dont worry, my list really is not that long. I only have a few key things..kindess and yirat shemayim. To be honest, it was the first time I had ever really thought about what I would like my life to look like. And I promise you that I have learned my lesson very well, we can plan all we want, but Hashem is the Big Boss, His plan stands. He knows whats best anyways.

And about the comment I recieved when I walked in the door: " I do not like that you are working so late".."It is o.k. they need me".."They need you. We will talk about this tomorrow."
It is o.k. I forgive you. And like I said before, I know that I am doing enough.
It feels good to know that you trust me with your children, the most precious gems on earth. It is the minute that you stop trusting me with your kids that I will stop. Untill then I would rather not sleep a week then to know that you are far away worrying about your children or that you did not go away because you could not find someone you felt comfortable to leave your children with. Sleep is important, yes, I know, but I will never allow lack of sleep to compromise my care for these precious jewels (Be'ezrat Hashem, Bli Ayin Hara). If lack of sleep is part of the job, or if waking up early is part of the job, or if holding them when they cry is part of the job, then you can count on me to be there, anytime, day or night, just like I will one day be there for my children, Be'ezrat Hashem. Hashem put me here, in this place, in this time, with this strength, and my job is to utilize it, and not to ignore it. No, it is not easy, but I love it. I truly love it. It fills me with joy, that I am using the gifts that Tati gave me and that I know that you feel good leaving your precious jewels in my care :-)

Thank you Tati, for surrounding me with people who need me, who trust me, who I can learn from, who I can grow from. You can not even begin to imagine how much I learn everyday from being with them. I absorb everything like a sponge. I am building the skills to becoming the best parent that I can be, the best role model that I can be, the best person that I can be, that best Bat Torah that I can be.

"My Daughter, My Princess, I am proud of you. Through your continued dedication to your family far and near you are bringing us closer to the ultimate good. Keep up the good work my child. I am always here for you. I will never abandon you. Don't be scared my child. I know that you are hearing things about rockets and missiles and potential war and enemies. But know in your heart and soul, that each missile has an address that I assign it. All of the talk is just that, talk. All of the pain, I feel it too. But soon my child, soon, there will be peace. Dont ever forget that the power is yours. You are doing a good job, you are making me proud, you are helping us come closer and closer to the end of the pain and suffering and fear. It will all be over soon. Just hold on to me as tight as you can, with all your power and might. I will keep you safe. Dont be afraid of the dark my child, for the darkest hour of the night is right before the dawn breaks. Through the darkness the light gets its strength, for the light will shine forth so bright and strong. It will be an everlasting light. Layla Tov, my sweet child".


I think that there was more, but my pillow is calling my name.

Layla Tov!