I Must...

I know that it is late/early in the morning, that I am tired and need to sleep in order to fight my Yetzer Harah. But I also know that I have been meaning to write for a long time, that my brain is overloaded, and that if I do not write, I will not and I must. I must get this all off my chest.

I want to start with a Succos vort. Succos and Emuna have the same gematria, which to me means that there is a connection. So I spent some time thinking about the connection. A succa is a temporary structure as are our lives. And yet the time that we spend in it is calles "Zman Simchateinu" "The Time of our Rejoicing". Of all the chagim, only on this one we must be happy? No, we must be happy on all. The succo also represents the Anevai Ha Cavod, the clouds of Glory that surrounded us for 40 years in the desert. But is the deeper meaning of these clouds. We spent 40 years in Hashem's loving embrace, and He gives an opportunity to relive that each year begining on the 15th of Tishrei. But what about the rest if the year? Is it not a mitzvah to "Ivdu et Hashem b'simcha" "Serve Hashem with Joy"? When we were in the desert we had total "emuna" "faith" in Hashem, and therefore when we were surrounded by His clouds of Glory we were B'simcha, all the time was Zman Simchateinu. My dear Yiden, if we have emuna in our Tati who loves us dearly, then just like in the week where we dwell in temporary booths we have a special joy, we will be able to tap into this special joy all year long, and then the entire year, and our lives will be Zman Simchateinu! We have the ability to feel the Clouds of Glory surrounding us always! If all the time we have emuna, then all the time we will be happy, and all the time we will feel Tati's loving embrace.

Speaking of embraces, Tati, I really want to go home. When I will complete what it is that you want me to? What is it that you want me to do here? When will you bring us all home? When Tati?












We have Zman Simchateinu, Zman Torateinu, Zman Charateinu, when will be Zman Galiyotainu??
As much as I want to build a home of my own, I also really want to go Home. Nothing can stop me from crying when I see pictures, when I remember. I can not believe it has already been so long...I cant remember some things any more and that scares me. I can recognize things and that scares me. So much is changing so fast, and I feel like I am on the wrong side.
I remember when I was leaving the first time two years ago. I cried and begged and said goodbye like it was my last time there. Then last year I left again. I left differently though. I said goodbye like I was only going away for a few weeks, I was sooo sure I was coming back Elul/ Tishrei. And not it is Cheshvan and I dont know when I will come home. I have not yet even froze my account with Cellcom, I can not. It is like leaving home with food cooking on the stove and not returning for a long time. I was soo sure I was coming back soo soon. I left half my stuff there. I left my heart there. "Libi b'mizrach v'anochi b'sof ma'arav". Please let us all come home. Please Tati. Every day we ask you Tati, every day, I know that you are listening, but when will you answer? Now I must rest. Chodesh Tov Klal Yisroel!!