Journeys

Greetings from Galut. I am sitting at the computer and listening to Vezaceini sung by Baruch Levine and Meydad Tasa. This song is based on the prayer women say Friday night as part of lighting candles.

The words of this beautiful prayer are: "May it be your will Hashem, my G-d and G-d of my forefathers, that You show favor to me (my husband, my sons, my daughters, my father, my mother) and all of my relatives; and that You grant us and all Israel a good long life; that You remember us with beneficent memory and blessing; that You consider us with a consideration of salvation and compassion; that you bless us with great blessings, that You make our households complete; that You cause Your Presence to dwell among us. Privilege me to raise children and grandchildren who are wise and understanding, who will"love Hashem and fear G-d, people of truth, holy offspring attached to Hashem who will illuminate the world with Torah and good deeds and with every labor in the service of the Creator. Please hear my supplication at this time in the merit of Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah our mothers, and cause our light to illuminate that it be not extinguished forever, and let our countenance shine so that we are saved. Amen." Taken from the Art Scroll Siddur.
וְזַכֵּנִי לְגַדֵּל בָּנִים וּבְנֵי בָנִים חֲכָמִים וּנְבוֹנִים, אוֹהֲבֵי ה', יִרְאֵי אֶלֺקִים, אַנְשֵׁי אֱמֶת, זֶרַע קֺדֶשׁ, בַּה' דּבֵקִים, וּמְאִירִים אֶת הָעוֹלָם בַּתּוֹרָה וּבְמַעֲשִׂים טוֹבִים, וּבְכָל מְלֶאכֶת עֲבוֹדַת הַבּוֹרֵא

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rS0C9tCxU_g

The first time I heard this song was during a Pesach show at Neve. I had shivers going down my spine. The second time I heard this tefilla sung was at Ema's Shabbos table, and that is when the connection was made between song and tefilla. The third time I heard this song was when I was ordering my Meydad Tasa cds, I think I bought one of his cds just for this song. Ever since I have recieved his cd, this song is the one song that I can listen to over and over again.

Now I know that you are thinking what in the world I am going on about. Well, this upcoming erev Shabbat I am going on my first "date". The first thing that comes to mind is "oy". I am quite scared. If I wasnt frum then this would be nothing. Ah, but I am frum, and have not been on a date in a long. Plus, last time I was on a date, it was with a boy who I wanted to marry, thought I would marry, and just got used instead. Hmmm, so not just have I not had luck with goyshe boys, I did not have any luck with the frum ones either.

Tati, I DO NOT want another repeat of you know who. Please I beg, I will break. I want some one who is serious. Who is dati in his heart. I will never forget what Rabbi COwen said to me. I told him that he was Dati Leumi, and he asked me whether being dati was his noun or his adjective. Is being orthodox who you are, or are you modern with a side of orthodox? Please send me some one who is dati in his heart, as I am. Tati, I love you and your Torah and your people with all my heart. I can not imagine a day of not keeping your mitzvos. I know that I am not perfect, that sometimes I mess up, but in my heart Tati, I love to be your daughter, to be a part of your nation, to be your daughter and your princess. Please send me someone who loves you as much as I do. Who will help me fulfill my mission, who will build with me a bayit ne'eman b'yisroel. Please send me a partner with whose dream it is to come home. Tati, I want to come home, both physically and spiritually. Please send me a "good boy, a nice boy" (Fidler on the Roof).

I was asked by a Rebbetzin if I know what I want my life to look like and if I know what kind of boy I am looking for. I think that I have a pretty good idea.

I would like to live in Israel and teach young children. I would like to G-d willing having a large family. I dont need a lot of things. I do not want a t.v. in my home. I want to have a computer with internet, but just a lap top. I do not want my kids to come home and run to the computer Be'ezrat Hashem. I would like to be home when they come home, so that I can do home work with them and so that we can play games and hang out together. I would like to have a large Shabbat table so that I can have many guests, and a small collection of seforim so that my home can be a mini-beit midrash. I would like to be outdoors alot with my kids, keep them active. I want my home to be warm and filled with good smells and yummy food, and want my guests to feel at home in my home. I want tons of family picutres all over the walls (they cost less) and flowers (like I grew up with) and toys, games, puzzles (cuz I Love puzzles!). In terms a place to live in Isreal, ideally the Gush, but I would really take anywhere as long as it is a frum community. I would like mykids to live near their friends so that they can play together. But I will really live anywhere you send us :-)
For my partner, well he needs to be frum. Even if his actions are not all there, in his heart and soul he needs to be connected to Hakadosh Boruch Hu. It does not matter to me if he does or does not wear a black hat, but there should be a kippa on his head and he should realize B"H that Tati is over us and watching us. We can not escape Him and we should not try. We should be striving for dveikus. You know though, the one thing I'm not certain of is the learn/work dilema. But I don't think that I will choose or not choose a buy based on this. If we are looking at things practically, I need to go to school and finish my degree. If we are both in school we will starve, Chas Veshalom, and I do not really want to ask my parents for support. I do not think that they will say "no", but I think that it would make the both of us to feel good to know that we can start off our lives standing on our own two feet. Do not get me wrong, if the guys does not have a desire to learn, we are gonna have a problem. It is his obligation to learn, wether he does it in the morning or at night, that is his choice, but ideally, he should atleast make the effort to learn Torah daily. Davening is not enough. He should want to live in Israel. Please let him be kind, and caring, and a good father, a role model for our children, who will instill in them a love of YOU, Your Torah, land and poeple. Who will allow me to learn Torah as well. Who will watch the kids Shabbat morning so that I can go to the early minyan and then he can go after me to the regular minyan. Some one who will support me, but I promise I will support him as well, in anything. I want to be his friend, his confidant. Some one who will take walks with me Friday night. Who likes to sing zmirot on Friday night. WHo loves life, and has a passion to absorb kedusha. I would like us to be involved in kiruv together, and to have many surrogate children. He must, must, must understand and want to keep the halachos of Taharas ha mishpacha.

I still think that D.E. is perfect for me, but you have your own plans and books. And if this sounds picky at all, well this is the man I am going to G-d willing spend the rest of my life with :-) and raise a family with. And it is ok if he is this picky about me. If he wants me to dress a certain way, or cover my hair a certain way ( I would like to only wear mitpachot), it is ok. But please dont let him count my every pound, or tell me that I have to wear make up, or that I should be less than what I am not, chas V'shalom but it has happened to me before. Please, please, please I beg you Tati make him be shomer negia, Please!!!!!! And not fake shomer negia, real shomer negia. Please let him be respectful and gentle.

You may ask, where am I getting all of this? Well Baruch Hashem I have seen and been around many different families in the last three years since my journey into frumkeit commenced, and I have also been in relationships with goyim and jews, and I have absorbed everything around me. This is a little bit of everything that I have seen, this is what I would like my life to look like. And even if it does not turn out exactly like this, then that is ok too, but this is the goal, this is the dream. And even if this boy is not "the one", that is o.k. too, because I have to start somewhere right? And I know that I have a great team of friends and family rooting for me and cheering me on and who are ready to catch me when I fall. But please Tati, dont make me go through last year's trauma again. I know that I am stronger now, in every way, but once was enough. Once was enough to last a life time. Please give me the Da'at. Bina. and Hascel to know and to learn from every experience, and please, dont make it last too long. I dont think that I will survive and come out strong from a journey that wil be too long. But you know what and who is best for me Tati. And you are taking care of me and watching over me every step of the way, always ready and willing to catch me and to hold my hand, and to wipe away my tears. I believe in you Tati, just as I know that you believe in me.

SO you want to know why I love this song so much? Becuase it touches my heart. Because every Friday night when I say these words while looking at the candles, I picture this dream that I have been dreaming since I was a little girl, watching all the people I knew walking to and from shull, a long time ago when the seeds of my journey we planted. It is my dream to grow into and have a family tree deeply rooted in Hashem's Torah. These words were sung and said by my bubes and zaides long away in a dark worl, and I would like to bring these words to light in Eretz Yisroel, the home of the Jewish people.

I had some thoughts on the parsha, but that post will have to wait untill the sun comes out.
Layla Tov and Shavua Tov!