Breath

It is 00:46 on the western coast. The kids are all sound asleep Baruch Hashem. I am listening to my favorite song and writing this blog..oh and I am finally breathing.

It quite an interesting thing, breathing. You inhale then exhale. Sometimes the breaths are short and shallow and sometimes they are longer and deeper.

Its an interesting thing as well to lose your breath, or to Chas V'shalom stop breathing. It is prett scary when you both stop together, when you start to shake with fear.

Here is a list of hiding spots around the house:

-Under the bed

-In the closet

-In the bathtub

-Inside the big bed with lots of pillows and blankets

-Outside in the bushes

-In the garage

-In the cabinet if they can fit

-Under the kitchen or dining room table

And then if you dont see them in any of those spots, and you see the front door that you just closed one minute ago wide open...and you run into the street and there are tons of parked cars and trees and homes...the breathing stops. You call and call and call and to no avail. You run to the friends house a few doors down, no one answers the door. You search every place you can think of. You are holding the phone and running and screaming and davening...but not breathing..well not conciously at least. You are about to go out of your mind, when the one place in the house that you did not look...under the kitchen table..who knew? And then you dont know whether to scream or cry, hug them or hurt them for freaking you out like that. But the breathing...that returns later...much much later. That only return now, when all is quiet, when everyone is where they belong.

My grandmother, may she live to be a hundred and twenty, has this habbit of not going to sleep untill everyone is home, not matter what time of the night we return. Not untill she is positive that we are all where we belong. And even if we dont stay at home she must know where we are. It gives her shalom. Now I see why.

I must tell you though, it was exhausting. I just wanted to collapse and cry with relief. But relief didnt come so soon. When I saw that open door, the empty street, the calls unanswered, the ema on the phone, who has also stopped breathing...what do you at a moment like that? How do you propel yourself forward. How do you move? Forget breathing..how do you, where do you, what are you supposed to do?

Baruch Hashem everything worked out. I got yelled at, I yelled. But b'sof Hashem took care of us. But then, an hour later, I was paralyzed. I did not want to move. I could not find shalom. I wanted to disappear, to be left alone, to sleep. But I can not. I have a responsibility. I have to move forward no matter what. I have no choice. Not now. People are counting on me.

But I will remember these potential hiding spots forever. But how do I react? How do I keep moving forward loving this child who has just caused me so much pain, in an instant? I love this child to death, that is why I am worried, but after? How do I go on being the best parent/babysitter I can be? But these thoughts only come when you can not breathe.

Because as soon as you start to breathe, you just feel joy that everything is o.k. Baruch Hashem, that you are still loved and your credibility still there.

But what do I do in those moments when I dont want to do it anymore? See this is not permanent. But my kids will be. The will be mine forever. I will forever be repsonsible for them. Will I ever have those moments when I wont want to do it anymore? I sure hope not, cuz that is not a good place to be.

So for the next few hours the pillow is going to be the recipeint of my breaths, in, out, in, out, untill it is time to make sure that our star player is up in time.

Layla Tov l'Culam, and Toda Raba Tati shelanu b'Shamayim she hacol haya Beseder. Baruch ata Hashem, she asa li col zarki.

In peace, oh G-d, I shut my eyes.

In peace again I hope to rise.
While I take my nightly rest,

Be with those I love the best.
Guide me in thy holy ways,

Make me better every day.
Shema Yisrael Ado-nai Elo-hainu Ad-onai Echod
Hear, oh Israel, the Lord our G-d, the Lord is One.