Wedding Day

בס"ד

It is 4a.m. I am getting married Be'ezras Hashem in about 12 hours or so. I should be in bed, resting, reserving my energy, I can tell because my eyes and head are hurting right now, my body is telling me to lie down and stop thinking. But right there is complete and total quiet in the house, no sounds except me typing away on this keyboard. Peace and quiet Abba, just me and you. And well everyone else who I am chatting with on Facebook.

Abba, there is so much I want to say to you, to learn from you, to ask you about, to scream at you about. There is so much inside of me Abba, things that I do not get to express to you during a regular weekday davening.

You know what the hardest thing is Abba, is sometimes not knowing what you want from me. I know that you want me to keep torah and mitzvos, to keep shabbos, dress tznius, keep kosher, cover my hair, keep taharas hamishpacha. I know these things, because you want this not only of me, but of klal yisroel. The hardest is to know what you personally want from me. And I guess that in one way or another all yidden struggle with this, I am not saying anything new.But Abba, right now, on this, my wedding day, I need you to please let me know what it is that you want from me, Sheyna Ariel bas Miriam.

Please tell me how to handle my family, how love them and keep the relationship with them, even when I want nothing to do with them, even when they upset me and make me cry. Even when, though I try, I can not seem to make them happy. When we speak but we do not hear what the other person is saying, or when we are speaking different languages. Tell me what to do Abba, because what kind of example will I be for my children if I dont have a good relationship with my family? And what about that fact that my relationship with my family on earth is a reflection of my relationship with you in Shamayim, is this really how we are? Is this why you said "no" even though I cried and begged? Abba can you please tell me.

I am going to be davening, all day, I will be davening and asking for others, and only under the chuppah will I begin to ask for myself and for Aleksandr. But before that, I am asking you now Abba, I am asking you for clarity, clarity in how to handle familial tensions with chein and ahavas yisroel.

I have seen as you have so graciously pointed out to me that I have to work on Ahavas Yisroel and judging favorably, and my caas (anger) and my savlanut (patience). But Abba, I need the tools. I need you to show me where to get these tools. I want to fix these things, I want to be a better yid, for me, for Aleksandr, and for You, Abba. But I need your help Abba. I need to know where I can get the tools. Abba, it is o.k. that you said "No", but can you please tell me why? Is that too much to ask? Am I even allowed to ask? I need to know Abba, please.

I want to say more, I have so much more to say, but right now I am falling asleep, and I have to be a pretty Kallah. Abba no matter what, I love you, and I know that you love me..and that even when you are testing me you are blessing me, and no matter what happens my rock and my fortress are you.