בם"ד
Yay, I got accepted to Seminary...Yay, I get to go home. Yay....and then there was no more joy.
The joy has been sucked out of me like air out of a balloon.
I did not even come to close to an application, to even thinking of applying with out her bracha. I did not even mention the idea for a good two weeks. I was here, I was all here. I was not floating around in space, I was all in. But what can I do "Libi b'mizrach v'anochi b'sof ma'arav" "My heart is in the East but I am on the edge of the West". My heart and my sould year for Israel. They yearn for the connection to my Avos and Emahos. They yearn for the pure air. They yearn to be standing so close to where heaven and earth meat, where the physical and spiritual meet, to be in the Place that is kedusha like Shabbat is kedusha in time. They yearn to be in the place from where all Brocha emanates. They yearn to be where I belong, where every Pintele Yid belongs.
And yet, I seem to be the only one around me who yearns, who understands, who feels the emptiness, the futility that comes from only pursuing physicality. I undertsand that we need money to survive, but I also understand that we need Torah to survive.
She said that it is waste. That everything that was ever given to me was/is a waste. That we are underserving of what we have recieved. That we are ungrateful. That I am nothing and on the path I am going will never amount to anything. That I have thrown away everything that was good in my life, in pursuit of....what I know is important but what to them was something distant.
That it is my fault that there were financial difficulties. That even though it was good that I was not taking, I am not any better because I did not give. Everyone always gave to us and we just threw it all out, it was all a waste, just like he did to us.
How dare I have the chutzpah? How dare I breathe? How dare I ask? How dare I not have a degree yet? How dare I think that I can go learn in a school that wont give me a degree? How dare I....How dare I change my name? Thank you very much for the accusation, but I have never changed my name, I am just going by the name that I was given, that name that I shall be called among the daughters of Israel. And it is my essence, I would never mess with that. And here is where the rift begins, I know and they do not. They know how to pursue physicality while I know how to pursue spirituality. I know that physicality is short live and like air it evaporates. I know that by allowing me to learn Torah they will be getting better reward than by working 12 hours a day. I know...and yet I dont know....whose knowledge wins?
That everyone plans, and yet plans get broken because I dont care. Because I hate them, and that they are not good enough because they are not frum. That all I do is take.
That if I go I will never come back.
It was an hour of verbal abuse. I felt like I was being stabbed. And yet they must also feel like they are being stabbed since I am leaving. Since I am looking for "something".
It was a short lived joy. And not instead of joy their is pain, pain that is like a thick fog. Pain that makes the desire to leave even stronger so that it doesnt choke me. And yet, for them the pain will be choking if I leave, and for me it will be choking if I stay.
What will be next? I do not know. Will I go in the end? Where will I go?
All I want to do is hug them and say that soon we will all be home together. Tati will bring all of His children home. But when? And untill then the pain is there. The fear of loss is there. There is no nechama, not for me, not for them. What now?
The joy has been sucked out of me like air out of a balloon.
I did not even come to close to an application, to even thinking of applying with out her bracha. I did not even mention the idea for a good two weeks. I was here, I was all here. I was not floating around in space, I was all in. But what can I do "Libi b'mizrach v'anochi b'sof ma'arav" "My heart is in the East but I am on the edge of the West". My heart and my sould year for Israel. They yearn for the connection to my Avos and Emahos. They yearn for the pure air. They yearn to be standing so close to where heaven and earth meat, where the physical and spiritual meet, to be in the Place that is kedusha like Shabbat is kedusha in time. They yearn to be in the place from where all Brocha emanates. They yearn to be where I belong, where every Pintele Yid belongs.
And yet, I seem to be the only one around me who yearns, who understands, who feels the emptiness, the futility that comes from only pursuing physicality. I undertsand that we need money to survive, but I also understand that we need Torah to survive.
She said that it is waste. That everything that was ever given to me was/is a waste. That we are underserving of what we have recieved. That we are ungrateful. That I am nothing and on the path I am going will never amount to anything. That I have thrown away everything that was good in my life, in pursuit of....what I know is important but what to them was something distant.
That it is my fault that there were financial difficulties. That even though it was good that I was not taking, I am not any better because I did not give. Everyone always gave to us and we just threw it all out, it was all a waste, just like he did to us.
How dare I have the chutzpah? How dare I breathe? How dare I ask? How dare I not have a degree yet? How dare I think that I can go learn in a school that wont give me a degree? How dare I....How dare I change my name? Thank you very much for the accusation, but I have never changed my name, I am just going by the name that I was given, that name that I shall be called among the daughters of Israel. And it is my essence, I would never mess with that. And here is where the rift begins, I know and they do not. They know how to pursue physicality while I know how to pursue spirituality. I know that physicality is short live and like air it evaporates. I know that by allowing me to learn Torah they will be getting better reward than by working 12 hours a day. I know...and yet I dont know....whose knowledge wins?
That everyone plans, and yet plans get broken because I dont care. Because I hate them, and that they are not good enough because they are not frum. That all I do is take.
That if I go I will never come back.
It was an hour of verbal abuse. I felt like I was being stabbed. And yet they must also feel like they are being stabbed since I am leaving. Since I am looking for "something".
It was a short lived joy. And not instead of joy their is pain, pain that is like a thick fog. Pain that makes the desire to leave even stronger so that it doesnt choke me. And yet, for them the pain will be choking if I leave, and for me it will be choking if I stay.
What will be next? I do not know. Will I go in the end? Where will I go?
All I want to do is hug them and say that soon we will all be home together. Tati will bring all of His children home. But when? And untill then the pain is there. The fear of loss is there. There is no nechama, not for me, not for them. What now?
Trust Hashem.
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